But when words are not enough, to tell You of our love, Listen to our hearts.

So if You listen to my heart
Every beat would say,
“Thank You for the Life, thank You for the Truth, thank You for the Way.”

So many things to be thankful for. Knowing that He's with me even through the good days and the bad. Especially the bad and lonely ones. I know You're there. I know You see me, and that is enough.

xoxo, elvyna.

Sun shine on down, ease our troubles now.

Sometimes.

A new year can mean a new beginning. If you let it be. If I let it be.

"You're not prepared to fly unless you're prepared to crash." True. Therefore this year, it's time I let go and learn to fly. Because it hurts to crash, but it hurts even more to not try.

Got to stop hoping life would be better, because it already is. Just be thankful for every day that I get to wake up - healthy, alive, breathing. To thank God for every new day, every trial, every hardship, because in the end, I will overcome it, with Him.

xoxo, elvyna.

The more I seek You, the more I find You.

I want to sit at Your feet,
Drink from the cup in Your hand,
Lay back against You and breathe,
Feel Your heartbeat.

This love is so deep,
Its more than I can stand,
I melt in Your peace, 
It's overwhelming.

Psalm 9:10 Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.

xoxo, elvyna.

Refuel from God.

This is the last week of my Obs and Gynae placement. Where did time go? 4 weeks, all done come this Friday. It's been such an amazing time in the wards, clinics, theatres, etc. I couldn't have asked for anything more. 

God has been amazing to me this 4 weeks. He gave me a good start to my Final Year, a good house with other Christian housemates that I can pray and do bible study with, good doctors to go under who are willing to teach, friendly people in the wards and so much more..

I'm so grateful for everything.

Spent this evening watching sermons on worship from YouTube. There are so many good sermons available online and it is such a good way to spend my evenings after a long day in the hospital. Just to unwind and wait upon the Lord and pray. Today I listened to such an inspiring talk by Kari Jobe on worship. I would really recommend listening to this.

God teach us to be people who love you and let our worship with you in Your presence be our main priority in life.

John 10:27 " My sheep listens to my voice; I know them, and they follow me."

xoxo, elvyna.

A Day to Remember.

It has been such a long day that I don't even know how to begin writing about it. I just know I have to let it out somehow though. If I had to use one word to describe my day today, it would be this: overwhelming.

Started the day in the Obs & Gynae Labour ward seeing a patient I saw last week in Antenatal clinic. She was opting for a natural vaginal delivery but after a couple of hours, she still wasn't in full labour yet so they had to bring her to theatre for a Caesarian section. It wasn't going to be a complicated delivery and I was allowed to scrub in to assist the surgeon. During the surgery though, the surgeon couldn't get the baby out of the uterus as the mother had pushed earlier and lodged the baby's head in the pelvis. After sending out a neonatal emergency bleep to everyone in the hospital, the theatre started crowding up with Paediatric Consultants, Registrars, SHOs and midwives. After a couple of minutes and pushing and tugging (trust me, this wasn't a pleasant sight at all), the baby finally dislodged and came out but it was pale and floppy and had no heart beat.

At this point I noticed there was a pool of blood dripping from the theatre table through my Crocs and onto the floor. It wasn't like anything I've seen before. I could hear everyone just talking above everyone else. People shouting things like," The baby needs adrenaline injection stat!" or " The baby needs CPR!". It was a seriously scary experience. All the while the mother was awake and aware of what was happening and began to sob uncontrollably. To make the story short, the baby was still not in good shape when the surgeon and I visited it after the operation. I hope and pray that the baby and the parents would be fine.

Then after that, I went back to the wards and stayed with a lady who had a natural vaginal delivery. It was the first time I ever saw a natural birth and I must say, my eyes were welling up with tears and I was trying so hard not to be too emotional throughout. There's really nothing like seeing a baby being born into this world. And the emotions that the parents convey when they look at the baby's face for the first time ever. No words can describe that.

In between all that that was happening today, I had to do my first mini-CEX in Final Year. We have to do 3 mini-CEXs in each placement as part of our assessment in Final Year. This is when a Consultant or Registrar chooses a patient for you and you take a full history and examine the patient whilst the examiner is watching. Also, you've to come up with investigations and management (i.e. treatment of what you think the patient's diagnosis is). It's much more nerve-wrecking than it seems. It went much better than I thought it would though. The consultant was well pleased with what I did and gave me pretty good marks. Good start I would say.

Came home around 8pm after having not eaten anything the whole day (since 7am) because I was so busy that I didn't feel hungry. A friend came over and had a chat and boy, she told a story I would never ever forget. A story about her faith, how she found Jesus, how He changed her life and I was so inspired. It wasn't what I was expecting when she came over but it just happened. Goes to show that when He works, we just cannot comprehend the amazingness that is Him. So blessed. So inspired. So touched. So happy for her that she found Him, that she feels Him, that He is with her. I love hearing testimonies like these, it warms my heart.

All in all, it was such a long and tiring, but exciting day. Overwhelming day. I had to write it out and express it somewhere. This has been such a long post, but it has been a post from the heart. I don't ever want to lose this - to be able to feel things like what I felt today. I hope I don't lose it over time in the future.

God has just been so amazing to me in my life. I'm just so so grateful for everything.

xoxo, elvyna.

Living by Faith.

Firsts.

There are all kinds of firsts. Some good, some bad. First love, first kiss, first heartbreak. First. 

Today was my first official day of my Final Year as a medical student. I could say it was a good day, because to a certain extent, it actually was. It wasn't an intensive day as I'd imagine in my head and neither was it a bad day, the kind that makes you just want to go home and lie in bed all night not doing anything else. 

It was just a terrifying day in the sense that it suddenly hit me - the realization that I'm almost at the end of my five year journey. That I'm left with this last stretch, which would be the longest and most trying year of my medical school journey. 

To become a doctor.

To be honest, that wasn't what I wanted to do on my first day stepping into IMU, but somehow, over the years, it has grown on me. It has grown to be so much a part of me that now, I can't see myself doing anything else but that in the future. 

I need this.

Just one more year to go. I need to work hard, push myself, stay motivated, give it everything I've got, because this is it. What I've been aiming to achieve since the first day of medical school. This is what everyone's been watching me do all these years. It all comes down to the final year. The final exam. The final push. 

Praying that God'll lead me and bring me through this year. Perseverance and faith. Got to keep pressing on, keep holding on no matter what. It's not going to be an easy year, but I have faith I can do it. By His grace and by His strength, not mine.

xoxo, elvyna.

Yet I will.

When its late at night and I have time to reflect, the silence in my heart feels like a heavyweight. There's been something missing for quite some time now. At the back of my head, I always knew what that void was. I just tried to ignore it. At this point though, I don't think I can hold it in anymore. Broke down after such a long time. I've been so far away from Him I feel guilty. So extremely guilty.

I've been so busy the past couple of months that I just put devotion time and church time in the backseat. And I guess I got comfortable with that and continued with that lifestyle even though I wasn't busy anymore. There was always that nagging guilt-tripping voice in my head that said I had to do something about it but I've always managed to brush it off. But now, I just feel like I've been so out of sync with Him that I'm so lost.

So lost with myself, lost in my walk with Him, lost in just, well, everything. And I am not proud of where I am right now in my walk with Him. I've got to make a change, get out of this "lazy" phase.

Even when I can't hear You, I will trust You Lord. I will not forget that You hung on a cross, You bled and died for me. Praying for my faith in You to strengthen.


xoxo, elvyna.

Pressing on.

Amen.


xoxo, elvyna.

Constant reminders.

Faith. Holding on. Being thankful for the little things, the blessings in disguise (:

xoxo, elvyna.

Breathing in snowflakes.

At the end of a bad day, there's nothing I look forward to than to just get home to the comfort of my bed and wallow in self-pity. Sometimes that's not the case though, as I've learnt.

Take today for example. It was a pretty "meh" day at the labs. A whole day's worth of work wasted when the data analysis machine displayed the most rubbish results ever. So I left for home in a 'not-so-great' mood.

The journey home though, was an interesting one.

1) I met a lovely old man who insisted I took the last seat in the bus but I counter-insisted he did instead. He finally sighed and sat down but was still facing me so we ended up having a conversation about how the weather's so cold and how we thought the bus driver was trying to kill us all with his driving. He even gave me a pat on the back when it was his stop to alight the bus.

2) Winked at a little girl with a pink scooter in the bus and found out she couldn't wink when she started blinking at me intensely instead. Her smile sans her two front teeth only made her all the cuter and made me laugh to myself.

3) I got off at the interchange deciding to walk home instead of letting the bus take me all the way. The cold wind against my face, the little puffs of smoke coming out of my mouth everytime I expired, the sky turning a dusky blue orange with hints of stars behind the clouds. I was just in awe of everything. How it was one of the prettiest things I've seen, how I should be thankful that I'm warm and bundled up although it was so cold, and how, put simply, that I'm breathing and alive.

Suddenly, my day didn't feel as bad as it did when I left the hospital. I guess sometimes it's just about making priorities and looking at things from a different perspective. I must've been so busy lately that somehow I just forgot about all the little things that used to make my day. I mustn't forget, not ever.

Thanks for the reminder God (:

xoxo, elvyna.

Agape.

This video made me cry for the longest time ever.

I don't recall the last time I watched something that moved me so deeply like this video did. It made me remember a lot of things. His love. The feeling it gives me. The understanding of the Father's love in giving His only son to die for me, for us. Reflecting on everything He's done, His love, His mercy, His grace. Who am I that I am the object of His affection? Why me?

"That God in eternity looked at me forseeing my fallenness, my pride, my sin. I want that man in my family. I'll do anything to get him in my family. I will pay for him to be in my family with my son's life."

I will love You with every breath, every song, every word, every action, every cell in my body because You are God.

xoxo, elvyna.

How beautiful You are to me.

Set a fire down in my soul,

That I can't contain and I can't control,

I want more of You God.

I want more of You God.

Focusing on what should matter most.

xoxo, elvyna.

Bright side of things.

Crazy British weather. Just when I thought it was the end of sunny days and blue skies with fluffy clouds as winter is approaching, it's such a lovely day today! Church was awesome, as always, and I learnt something today.

I learnt how to be a friend to someone in need, someone I'm not so close to yet but am trying to be. Because sometimes all someone needs is a shoulder to cry on or someone to lean on. I can learn to be that for them.

And lyrics of a song that brought tears to my eyes during worship session today:

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within.

I'm lay it all down for the sake of You my King

I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights

I'm giving up my pride

For the promise of new life.

Sometimes, all we need to do is SURRENDER everything to Him. It will work out.

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?

Love.

What does it really mean?

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I haven't written about love in a while. Feelings, yes, emotions, yes, but not love. I've always felt love is such a strong word. It embodies so many things as depicted in the bible verse above. Yet, it is being used loosely by people everywhere. I'm not judging people who use the word love, don't get me wrong, but I'm just saying to me, it means a whole lot more than a four-letter word.

Speaking to a friend today about relationships, I reflected on what LOVE means. I think I'm still on a journey to discover its meaning. I mean, I know I love my family and friends, but the kind of love it takes to be in a relationship and make it last, I'm not sure if I know how it feels like. Maybe I've loved before and am afraid to do it again, but one thing I know for sure: for now, knowing the love Jesus showed me when He died upon the cross to be my saviour, that would suffice. That love? It surpasses any kind of love I know I'll ever get from anyone in this world.

Thank You for loving me (:

xoxo, elvyna.

It's all a part of His great big plan.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

xoxo, elvyna.

Blessings.

Because YouTube came up with the new thing where I can't embed videos anymore (booooo!), I'll just post the lyrics of a song I came across recently. It's one of the best songs I've heard in a while. Youtube it and listen to it while reading the lyrics. I think I cried the first few times I heard it.

Be blessed people! (:

Laura Story - Blessings

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

xoxo, elvyna.

Thanks for the reminder that You're never gone away (:

Romans 12:2

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Just a little reminder I saw today (:

xoxo, elvyna.

It's more than something small.

Received this in the post today. It almost made me cry. I'm so touched by the gesture, the thought. Just when I needed encouragement the most, He never fails to surprise me. To know that I have such a wonderful friend that would care enough to send me a handmade card, that alone reminds me of how amazing He can be (:

The bible verse that came with it.

Psalm 5:11-12

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love Your name may rejoice in You. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with Your favour as with a shield.

It is true, His love never fails. Thank you Sarah (:

xoxo, elvyna.

You danced with me and I could see that there was more to life.

My cuppa home made skinny latte complete with foam and cocoa topping to accompany me while i study (:

Saturday afternoon skype sessions are what I look forward to. Doing devotion with people I love, hearing testimonies about how God has blessed them in their lives, knowing that they are doing well, all these just brings a smile to me. There's nothing like being reminded that He is the reason I'm here, the reason any of us are where we are in the first place. Talked about trusting God and having faith even when all else fails. Reminded of the story of Job in the bible.

Sometime this week, got a text from someone I love with a testimony of how God helped and protected him. Couldn't help but cry and come to my knees knowing that God is indeed all powerful when we as humans are helpless. Hearing stories of how people give thanks to God brings a tear to my eyes. I guess it made me miss cell group back in IMU :(

Humbled by His love and grace. A dear friend said, "To be broken and beautiful" in my brokenness and knowing the weakness of sin in my heart, only then can we be humbled and marvel at His love on the cross. So true.

Continuing this race with love and most importantly, His love.

xoxo, elvyna.