But when words are not enough, to tell You of our love, Listen to our hearts.

So if You listen to my heart
Every beat would say,
“Thank You for the Life, thank You for the Truth, thank You for the Way.”

So many things to be thankful for. Knowing that He's with me even through the good days and the bad. Especially the bad and lonely ones. I know You're there. I know You see me, and that is enough.

xoxo, elvyna.

First snow.

So today it snowed for the first time in Southampton in about.. 2 years? Was a pretty sight, at least from where I was standing in the warmth of my own room with the heater turned on. Decided to go to the backyard with some friends and attempt to make a snowman. Thus the pic above.

Snow can be very calming. Being alone with snowflakes falling all around me blanketing everything in sight in white was beautiful. In fact, I don't even know how to describe how I felt without feeling like I did justice to it. It's just awesome.

What's not so awesome is the fact that in a few days time, maybe even tomorrow, the snow is gonna melt and turn icy and slippery and people are going to fall over and injure themselves. I might even fall over. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

Oh well. For now, I'll forget the worries of the world, make a cuppa hot tea and sit by the window to watch the snow fall and drown everything in sight with all its glory and be in awe of His creation.

xoxo, elvyna.

Sun shine on down, ease our troubles now.

Sometimes.

A new year can mean a new beginning. If you let it be. If I let it be.

"You're not prepared to fly unless you're prepared to crash." True. Therefore this year, it's time I let go and learn to fly. Because it hurts to crash, but it hurts even more to not try.

Got to stop hoping life would be better, because it already is. Just be thankful for every day that I get to wake up - healthy, alive, breathing. To thank God for every new day, every trial, every hardship, because in the end, I will overcome it, with Him.

xoxo, elvyna.

Living by Faith.

Firsts.

There are all kinds of firsts. Some good, some bad. First love, first kiss, first heartbreak. First. 

Today was my first official day of my Final Year as a medical student. I could say it was a good day, because to a certain extent, it actually was. It wasn't an intensive day as I'd imagine in my head and neither was it a bad day, the kind that makes you just want to go home and lie in bed all night not doing anything else. 

It was just a terrifying day in the sense that it suddenly hit me - the realization that I'm almost at the end of my five year journey. That I'm left with this last stretch, which would be the longest and most trying year of my medical school journey. 

To become a doctor.

To be honest, that wasn't what I wanted to do on my first day stepping into IMU, but somehow, over the years, it has grown on me. It has grown to be so much a part of me that now, I can't see myself doing anything else but that in the future. 

I need this.

Just one more year to go. I need to work hard, push myself, stay motivated, give it everything I've got, because this is it. What I've been aiming to achieve since the first day of medical school. This is what everyone's been watching me do all these years. It all comes down to the final year. The final exam. The final push. 

Praying that God'll lead me and bring me through this year. Perseverance and faith. Got to keep pressing on, keep holding on no matter what. It's not going to be an easy year, but I have faith I can do it. By His grace and by His strength, not mine.

xoxo, elvyna.

I'm sorry.

There's only ever so much sarcasm I can take in a day. This feeling sucks.

xoxo, elvyna.

Superficiality.

I'm in a terrible horrible mood.

That's right. I am.

Long story short, I just want to rant about how superficial people are nowadays, even family. You'd think people who brought you up and taught you important lessons/values of life would walk the talk. What happened to all the "not judging a book by its cover" talk? Or "it's the inside that counts" bullshit? So disappointed in so many people I used to look up to.

I know we live in a society where appearance is everything. Or at least, important. Good looks, a slim figure, the brand of clothes you wear are just some examples. That I know and can accept. But amongst family? Really? Is there a need for all the superficial and materialistic comparisons? If my life were to be measured by what I look like, or what I wore, or what brand of handbag I'm currently using, then where do the "insides" come in the picture? I'm content and happy with what God has given me in this life. I may not be the best looking person in a room, or have the nicest body or the most expensive piece of clothing, but does that make me any less a person? :( :(

I've been criticised and insulted time and time again. But not to this intensity, not this much. I'm about close to breaking point, and worse of all, it's by people I call family. I really need an intervention. Part of me says let it go, it's childish to take it to heart, but a part of me is holding on and replaying the words they've said again and again in my head. And truth be told, it hurts, big time. Words.DO.HURT.

xoxo, elvyna.

The unknown.

Sometimes I just don't know what I want.

Its funny how sometimes my feelings are so powerful, so strong. Of a great magnitude and just so indisputable. Yet other times, they're so faint, so unsure, just floating around.

xoxo, elvyna.

Cause reality is better than my dreams these days.

What I smell of on most days.

I still find it amazing how certain scents can remind you so much of someone, or even an event that happened in the past. I like feeling nostalgic and reminiscing about the past, until it reaches a point of realization that it IS the past. But sometimes I do it anyway, just so I can think of you again and remember how real you were to me once upon a time.

xoxo, elvyna.

I've locked you up in the deepest corner of my heart.

Sipping on my cup of hot green tea, after a warm shower. Refusing to dry my hair with a hairdryer (thus ending up with water dripping from my hair, but I really couldn't care less) while listening to jazz music. And of course, writing this post. And I feel at peace, regardless.

It was a pretty busy week for me, starting Paediatrics placements. I must be honest, it wasn't the best start to any attachment, and I really don't want to sound like this first week has put me off doing Paediatrics, but it somewhat has. And I was pretty down about it the whole week, because for as long as I've known, I've wanted to specialize in Paediatrics. So I wasn't really myself this week, been kinda "off" in more ways than one, and people around me started noticing (gosh, I just can't hide my true feelings even subconciously, can I?).

Anyways, long story short, I got over it. The feeling of wallowing in my self-pity and decided to make next week a better week instead. It'll be a new start, as with most things in my life recently. Scary, feeling vulnerable, but a new start nevertheless. It'll be better.

And if all else fails, I'll just immerse myself in my books and studies and forget about everything.

Yup, I'll do that.

xoxo, elvyna.