Missing him.

It's been a while.

xoxo, elvyna.

Reminiscing.

Found my old journal from 2008 a couple of days ago and spent time reading through it again. I've definitely come a long way since then looking back now. I was such an emotional wreck and it kinda got in the way of a lot of things.

It was also the year where I experienced my first death in the family, which broke me.
Even though it all seemed so tough during the time, in retrospect now, I really thank God for being there through it all and bringing me to where I am today.

Just to end things in this post, and also to prove how much of an emotional wreck I used to be, here's an excerpt from my journal:

" The first thing I do when I wake up is think of you,
Your smile, your touch, everything that makes you you,
But right now, the feeling's not right, 
You're not mine to keep anymore.
You said we're over, you've got to move on, 
Left me behind even though you said you'll never let go,
Hardships and sorrows are mine alone to face now,
Your warm hugs and comforting arms now seem so far away.

Who am I to you? How much do I mean, I really want to know,
Cos' you still mean the world to me, same as when I first loved you. "

Ah, and the memories come flooding back.

xoxo, elvyna.

Pleased.

It turned out to be one of the best Mondays I've ever had in a long long time. 

Got a mini-CEX form signed off by a gastroenterology consultant and his feedback for me is that I'll definitely make it, definitely pass medical school and become a doctor because he said with some people you just know, and I'm one of those people to him. He said I'm way above what he would expect from a medical student in the way I communicate and talk to patients.

Those were the most encouraging and motivational words a consultant has ever told me since I started medical school. And obviously, he gave me really good marks on my examination. After that I went to the Acute Medical Unit (AMU) for a while to try and get some clinical skills signed off before I head home.

The FY1 there was so friendly and nice that he got me to do an Arterial Blood Gas (ABG) for the first time ever, even though I warned him that I haven't done it before in my life. He talked me through it and watched me do it. Amazingly, I was calm and wasn't shaking all over like the first time I ever put a cannula in :/

I hit the bone though when I put the needle in and the patient said it hurt a lot. Ooops. After wiggling it around a little bit more, blood start pulsating into the syringe and I was so relieved and happy! (: The FY1 said I did really well for a first-timer and even asked me to continue taking the patient's bloods to run blood tests on. Did a cannula as well on a lovely old lady who was slightly confused.

Was a very productive day, and to end it, I came home and exercised! Exercising and just getting my sweat on does make me really happy so no matter how tired I am, I try to squeeze it in to my daily routine. Attempted the 1000 rep challenge but only managed max 500. Not too bad for a first timer I guess. It was so intense I was dripping and drenched in sweat once I was done.

Happy days like these make me feel so contented. Thank You God for answering my prayers (:

xoxo, elvyna.

Plateau.

So today's just one of those days where I'm not feeling all too great about myself. Didn't go in to the hospital for ward rounds today but went in a little bit later to study in the library and left at around 3pm. I just feel like things are becoming so routine now with medicine that I'm not actually enjoying it as much as I know I used to/should. Also, the fact that people (eg. consultants, registrars, etc.) ignore me when I'm in the ward round isn't helping as well.

I know it's supposed to be my own initiative and everything else but omg, seriously? It's not like I haven't been trying to help the team out or do stuffs in the wards. Sigh. rant rant rant.

Medical school, oh how I loathe and love you altogether at the same time. It's truly a mystery I doubt I'll ever solve. But for now, two more weeks until I get to be home!

Looking forward to happier days (:

xoxo, elvyna.

Clean eating lifestyle.

So for those of you who don't already know from my Instagram and stuffs, I've recently (well, not so recently actually) decided to change my lifestyle and eating habits to strive and become a fitter version of myself. And guess what? I'm actually liking it and seeing results!

So I go to (try to) the gym about 4-5 times a week and normally I'll do an hour of weight training/ circuit training and then I'll end with cardio where I just run on the treadmill for a minimum of 5km. And by that time I'll be so drenched in sweat and feeling awesome!

Then I look forward to going home and preparing some kickass healthy, protein-packed meal to replenish what I've lost at the gym. I normally work with the same ingredients but I just try to find different things to prepare them with. 

A meal I love: Avocado (all time fav!) on crackerbread with mozarella and tomato slices and turkey breast chunks + sausages on the side.

Something similar using the same ingredients but its a salad on the bottom.

My dessert/snack whenever I'm craving for anything sweet. Healthy, natural and yum! (:

Hope I'll continue to see more results and burn all the fats away!

xoxo, elvyna.

twenty-three.

Have been really busy with hospital and stuffs and haven't been blogging for a while now. Will try and get back in the business and routine of blogging but for now, just some update with pics from my birthday last week! Had a nice quiet lovely dinner with friends at a Greek restaurant which served amazing food (:

With the store bought cake after failed attempts by Lilian and Albert to bake me something. Still appreciate the thought though (:

Who says you can't be silly at 23? :D

xoxo, elvyna.

Crap.

That's how I feel after a day in the hospital today. I know I'm JUST a medical student, I know I'm at the bottom of the hierarchy and I can't do anything helpful/productive in the wards like the other legit doctors. You think I don't know all that? I do know all that. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't be treated like a human being. You don't just ask a student to "Go away" or shout at them in the presence of patients and parents. That's just unprofessional.

Sigh.

I could go on a rant spree about today and the details but I'd rather not. Praying so hard through the tears right now that God will calm me and forgive them and help them deal with what ever they are going through now that has made them so bitter and mean. Also praying that tomorrow will be a better day.

Chin up.

xoxo, elvyna.

The more I seek You, the more I find You.

I want to sit at Your feet,
Drink from the cup in Your hand,
Lay back against You and breathe,
Feel Your heartbeat.

This love is so deep,
Its more than I can stand,
I melt in Your peace, 
It's overwhelming.

Psalm 9:10 Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.

xoxo, elvyna.

Overwhelming.

Today has been such an overwhelming kind of day.

Heard the news that grandma slipped and fell coming out of the bathroom. And my brother panicking whilst telling me this wasn't helpful at all. It just made me worry more. The fact that I was in the wards made it even worse, as I couldn't text or call my brother to ask how things were going. I was just getting snippets of things that were happening. "At the doctor's now" "Xray department for scan" "broken bones". These weren't the words I had wanted to ever hear. Especially not in relation to my grandmother.

Everything spiralled downhill from there. I couldn't concentrate on the wards. I teared up thinking bout it. I kept praying and praying that she would be alright. I cried in the toilet. I went home eventually to give grandma a call. Burst into tears when I heard her voice. Long story short, she's fine. She's able to walk still and the doctor has given her some painkillers and bandaged her feet up.

I really hope she'll recover soon. One thing I learnt today though, learning to trust God and trusting that He will take over in a situation in which I was so helpless in really does give me peace. Instead of worrying about what had happened, I surrendered it all to Him and I felt such an overwhelming sense of peace. A peace that filled me all over and I knew at that moment that my grandmother is in His hands.

Overwhelming.

xoxo, elvyna.

Refuel from God.

This is the last week of my Obs and Gynae placement. Where did time go? 4 weeks, all done come this Friday. It's been such an amazing time in the wards, clinics, theatres, etc. I couldn't have asked for anything more. 

God has been amazing to me this 4 weeks. He gave me a good start to my Final Year, a good house with other Christian housemates that I can pray and do bible study with, good doctors to go under who are willing to teach, friendly people in the wards and so much more..

I'm so grateful for everything.

Spent this evening watching sermons on worship from YouTube. There are so many good sermons available online and it is such a good way to spend my evenings after a long day in the hospital. Just to unwind and wait upon the Lord and pray. Today I listened to such an inspiring talk by Kari Jobe on worship. I would really recommend listening to this.

God teach us to be people who love you and let our worship with you in Your presence be our main priority in life.

John 10:27 " My sheep listens to my voice; I know them, and they follow me."

xoxo, elvyna.

A Day to Remember.

It has been such a long day that I don't even know how to begin writing about it. I just know I have to let it out somehow though. If I had to use one word to describe my day today, it would be this: overwhelming.

Started the day in the Obs & Gynae Labour ward seeing a patient I saw last week in Antenatal clinic. She was opting for a natural vaginal delivery but after a couple of hours, she still wasn't in full labour yet so they had to bring her to theatre for a Caesarian section. It wasn't going to be a complicated delivery and I was allowed to scrub in to assist the surgeon. During the surgery though, the surgeon couldn't get the baby out of the uterus as the mother had pushed earlier and lodged the baby's head in the pelvis. After sending out a neonatal emergency bleep to everyone in the hospital, the theatre started crowding up with Paediatric Consultants, Registrars, SHOs and midwives. After a couple of minutes and pushing and tugging (trust me, this wasn't a pleasant sight at all), the baby finally dislodged and came out but it was pale and floppy and had no heart beat.

At this point I noticed there was a pool of blood dripping from the theatre table through my Crocs and onto the floor. It wasn't like anything I've seen before. I could hear everyone just talking above everyone else. People shouting things like," The baby needs adrenaline injection stat!" or " The baby needs CPR!". It was a seriously scary experience. All the while the mother was awake and aware of what was happening and began to sob uncontrollably. To make the story short, the baby was still not in good shape when the surgeon and I visited it after the operation. I hope and pray that the baby and the parents would be fine.

Then after that, I went back to the wards and stayed with a lady who had a natural vaginal delivery. It was the first time I ever saw a natural birth and I must say, my eyes were welling up with tears and I was trying so hard not to be too emotional throughout. There's really nothing like seeing a baby being born into this world. And the emotions that the parents convey when they look at the baby's face for the first time ever. No words can describe that.

In between all that that was happening today, I had to do my first mini-CEX in Final Year. We have to do 3 mini-CEXs in each placement as part of our assessment in Final Year. This is when a Consultant or Registrar chooses a patient for you and you take a full history and examine the patient whilst the examiner is watching. Also, you've to come up with investigations and management (i.e. treatment of what you think the patient's diagnosis is). It's much more nerve-wrecking than it seems. It went much better than I thought it would though. The consultant was well pleased with what I did and gave me pretty good marks. Good start I would say.

Came home around 8pm after having not eaten anything the whole day (since 7am) because I was so busy that I didn't feel hungry. A friend came over and had a chat and boy, she told a story I would never ever forget. A story about her faith, how she found Jesus, how He changed her life and I was so inspired. It wasn't what I was expecting when she came over but it just happened. Goes to show that when He works, we just cannot comprehend the amazingness that is Him. So blessed. So inspired. So touched. So happy for her that she found Him, that she feels Him, that He is with her. I love hearing testimonies like these, it warms my heart.

All in all, it was such a long and tiring, but exciting day. Overwhelming day. I had to write it out and express it somewhere. This has been such a long post, but it has been a post from the heart. I don't ever want to lose this - to be able to feel things like what I felt today. I hope I don't lose it over time in the future.

God has just been so amazing to me in my life. I'm just so so grateful for everything.

xoxo, elvyna.

Living by Faith.

Firsts.

There are all kinds of firsts. Some good, some bad. First love, first kiss, first heartbreak. First. 

Today was my first official day of my Final Year as a medical student. I could say it was a good day, because to a certain extent, it actually was. It wasn't an intensive day as I'd imagine in my head and neither was it a bad day, the kind that makes you just want to go home and lie in bed all night not doing anything else. 

It was just a terrifying day in the sense that it suddenly hit me - the realization that I'm almost at the end of my five year journey. That I'm left with this last stretch, which would be the longest and most trying year of my medical school journey. 

To become a doctor.

To be honest, that wasn't what I wanted to do on my first day stepping into IMU, but somehow, over the years, it has grown on me. It has grown to be so much a part of me that now, I can't see myself doing anything else but that in the future. 

I need this.

Just one more year to go. I need to work hard, push myself, stay motivated, give it everything I've got, because this is it. What I've been aiming to achieve since the first day of medical school. This is what everyone's been watching me do all these years. It all comes down to the final year. The final exam. The final push. 

Praying that God'll lead me and bring me through this year. Perseverance and faith. Got to keep pressing on, keep holding on no matter what. It's not going to be an easy year, but I have faith I can do it. By His grace and by His strength, not mine.

xoxo, elvyna.

Malta; Summer break.

Malta was so much fun especially with the company. Now its back to the reality of Final Year and hospital placements. If only time passed slower on holidays and quicker on placements.

xoxo, elvyna.

In an alternate universe.

I promise to sing to you, when all the music dies.

xoxo, elvyna.

Promise me.

Today:
- wasn't a great day.
- was a long day in the hospital.
- I sobbed so uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
- I miss the family and home so much after being here for so long.
- I feel so lonely although I know I'm not alone.
- I just want to curl up in my bed and be left alone.

xoxo, elvyna.

New beginnings.

Sometimes, it really is as simple as letting it all out and letting go just to breathe again.

xoxo, elvyna.

Isle of Wight.

So I'm on my 5th week now of Medicine in Practice (MiP) placement at St Mary's Hospital in the Isle of Wight. Things have been going great. Ended last week with a bang at the GP practice I was in for 2 weeks. Did really well on the assessment at the end and my GP was very pleased with me. That's a good start right? (:

Anyways, here are some pics of the island and stuff when the boy came down over the weekends to see me.

The hospital;s main entrance.

Us starting our adventure day (:

Yarmouth Harbour. Pretty sailboats. I want one too if the weather was nicer in England!

The Needles Park, Alum Bay. Pretty lousy gloomy day.

Chairlift down Needles Park :/ Steep!

Olympic Torch relay at the Park. Tried to get away from the crowd of people there.

Ventnor Pier.

Ventnor Beach. Rocks galore.

Local island-made ice cream (: I must've had this like 3-4 times now since I've been on the island.

The Spyglass Inn for lunch/dinner. Recommended by Michelin (:

His: Oriental Style Beef. Super yummy.

Mine: Half lobster with New Potatoes. Fresh lobster. YUM YUM (:

Walking along the coloured sand beach on Ventnor.

Finished the day off with a slice of Chocolate Indulgence from Chocolate Apothecary in Ryde (my GP place).

All in all, a very exciting but short weekend spent on visiting places and eating (: Weather could've been better (Was pretty scary when it started pouring as we were on the chairlift), but I'm not complaining, we still got around.

Missing the boy already. Oh wells..

xoxo, elvyna.

Weekend of food (:

The past weekend was an awesome one. Went back to Southampton to spend some time with the boy. Made lots of nice yummy food to make up for the dull, bland food I had during the week of Anaesthetic placement in the Isle of Wight.

Also had a lovely time starting and finishing a Singapore drama series called The Oath about doctors with the boy. Gosh, talk about drama marathon. The ending of the series was a bit sad though :( Anyways, here are the pics of the food we had over the weekend.

Dinner: Mint Lamb meatballs penne pasta with garlic bread and belleverde broccoli.

Breakfast: Ham on garlic bread with hard boiled egg.

Also baked two loaves of Chocolate Raspberry banana bread/cake to munch on while watching the series. Gave the other loaf to the boy to bring to placements.

My tummy has had a happy weekend (:

Now back to a week of GP placements and tasteless repetitive meals everyday!

xoxo, elvyna.

Yet I will.

When its late at night and I have time to reflect, the silence in my heart feels like a heavyweight. There's been something missing for quite some time now. At the back of my head, I always knew what that void was. I just tried to ignore it. At this point though, I don't think I can hold it in anymore. Broke down after such a long time. I've been so far away from Him I feel guilty. So extremely guilty.

I've been so busy the past couple of months that I just put devotion time and church time in the backseat. And I guess I got comfortable with that and continued with that lifestyle even though I wasn't busy anymore. There was always that nagging guilt-tripping voice in my head that said I had to do something about it but I've always managed to brush it off. But now, I just feel like I've been so out of sync with Him that I'm so lost.

So lost with myself, lost in my walk with Him, lost in just, well, everything. And I am not proud of where I am right now in my walk with Him. I've got to make a change, get out of this "lazy" phase.

Even when I can't hear You, I will trust You Lord. I will not forget that You hung on a cross, You bled and died for me. Praying for my faith in You to strengthen.


xoxo, elvyna.

Seeing you.

Can't wait for this weekend. Its been such a long week this week in the Anaesthetic Department I just wish it'd end sooner!

xoxo, elvyna.

Brunei.

Visited Brunei for the first time ever for a week just before I came back to UK. It was definitely an experience and a very 'different' country but I didn't find it as boring as most people were warning me about.

There wasn't much to see there and it took just about 2 days before I saw and visited most places.

Sultan's palace.

Fluffy clouds. It was scorching hot in Brunei though (I got a shorts tan line)

One and only McD's in Brunei.

Beautiful scenery at the Empire Hotel beach.

Us on the carousel at the Jerudong Park amusement park/playground.

Picture perfect shot of the Sultan Omar Ali Saifuddin mosque and the boat.

Sat in air-conditioned places every chance we got.

Kampong Ayer river cruise.

Beautiful sunny day with clear skies. Awesome view of the water villages and schools on water.

Tried the local Bruneian food- Ambuyat (some tree sap thing with a gluey texture).

Hated it. Couldn't even swallow it.

Tried tonkeng (chicken ass) at the night market. Different texture than I'm normally used to but delicious marinade.

New found favourite fast food chain that's only found in Brunei - Jollibee. Awesome spaghetti.

Toy Proboscis monkey to make up for the fact that I didn't see a real one in Brunei.

Goodbye Brunei.

Thanks for having me. It was fun!

xoxo, elvyna.