You know I was hoping you'd sing along, though it's not your favourite song.

I think being weak and ill has made me feel remorseful and upset, over what, i really dont know. I'm feeling delusional. It's like it's all coming to me now, and hitting hard, at all the sore places. I guess the hole in my heart didn't really heal, not a bit, in the first place. The pain definitely didn't weaken over time, it was just numbed by things happening around me, things moving too quickly for me to grasp. Or maybe I had gotten stronger, strong enough to bear it. Just maybe. I used to wonder how long this could last. Maybe someday, many many years from now—if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it—I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he’d given me. More than I’d asked for, more than I’d deserved. Maybe someday I’d be able to see it that way. But right now, I just can't hold it in anymore. And I've successfully driven people whom I care about and who care about me away. Not away totally, but far enough. It's all coming back to me, I can't contain it... You said forever and always.

xoxo, elvyna.