You know how it scares you sometimes to think about your future? As in what you are going to be, what lies ahead, how you will get there, and who's going to be in it? Well, today, all these thoughts came into my head. I would probably blame grandma for that. You see, we talked today. She was asking me when exactly am I leaving overseas next year to further my studies. Then I answered and all. Then she was saying she'd miss me. She was also saying she hoped to attend my graduation. And I guess, at that moment, I just broke.
I tried so hard to hold back the tears. And I did. But when I was alone, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Then I started thinking. Alot. Too much for my own good. Then I tried to remember a time in my life which didn't involve her, nothing came up. And I realized, she's the most important person I've got in my life. The only person I've spent the last 20 years of my life fully with. People come and go in my life-childhood friends, relatives.. but she's a constant.
You know when I was much younger, I used to think all I need to stay happy in this world was my grandma, and probably my brother. And I used to think I'll have her with me for the rest of my life. I secretly hope this is true. But sad enough, life happens. So through the years, we've been through thick and thin, she has always been there for me, no matter what happens, letting me sleep on her bed, crying if someone hurt me, comforting me and telling me it's all gonna be alright cos I have her and she'll always be on my side. She has been both a mother and father to me, and maybe, even more. I've never felt more secure in my life than when I'm in her embrace.
When she told me today she hoped she lived long enough for my graduation, that's when I took notice- took notice of how she's aged since I was a little girl, took notice of how her stature has changed, the way she walks slower than she used to. And I got scared, really scared. Then I started reflecting and thinking back on all those times I spent with her. And all those memories I hold so dear. I just. want her to see me get married, to see my kids.. omg. i dont know what has gotten into me.
Just talked to her. She said all these parting is a part of life. It's inevitable. She says she'll miss me even more than I miss her when I leave next year. How not to cry? :( She says all she can do is pray for me, and hope that I'll be okay. Asked me to focus on studies, don't worry bout her. I dont know what else to say. My emotions are taking over now.
I know I should appreciate the present, the times I have left with her before I leave, but just for tonight, I want to think about my future. And I know no matter what, in the end, I'll meet her in heaven, but I don't think I'll ever be ready for her leaving me. Not at all. Somehow, I know only God can help me. I just need to have faith :(
xoxo, elvyna.
December 15, 2009
and i can't hold back no more.
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2 comments:
babe...you know I cried reading yr blogpost? (honestly)
i truly truly understand how you feel...the fear and insecurity. i felt it maybe...7 years ago? and till now, it still hits me now and then. i understand the "walking slower", even the "forgetfulness" and the more "headaches and minor ailments" they have. (i cant believe im still crying right now)...its a heartache inside that only those who are at that point can understand.
and i think , you can never get used to it, ever. esp when they are the ones you love most. and when they say things that really hurt - in yr case "i'm gonna miss you more" , for me "im not going to be around forever".its a deep pain that you cant do anything about - cept for cry. and appreciate the persent. and to let them know you love them...and to pray.
i guess thats why we're asked to always look to God, and remember He's the one constant in our lives - the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. the holder of the future - yours , mine, our families. the comfort that he will give us a new body in heaven - one free of the mortal sufferings of illnesses and age.
and until then, we hope. we have faith. we pray. and we trust. Trust that God has the best plan, that He sees the big picture and the intricate details. and we wait. wait for Him to answer our call, our cry. and we wait, wait for Him. Whatever He decides to do. We love Him, we continue to love our families and people close to us. and we stay strong - in knowing He will never leave us nor forsake us - that He is with us , even right now.
Stay strong siz. I know how it feels. I understand it completely - and God does too. He understands us even better than we understand ourselves.
and you are loved. by many people. By me. And by God.
Joanne's not the only one who cried reading that, lol. This one had me releasing tears without even realising, haha!
This is really something I can relate to. Throughout my life, my grandparents have been my rock. My grandfather, my source of motivation to do well in school. My grandma, I've always strived to make her proud and I attribute whoever I am today to them. Whenever I was down, even when they never understood why I was, they'd still feel for me and do all within their power to make sure everything's ok again.
Just a few days ago my granddad told me that since he lived long enough to see me get into medical school, now he's gonna lengthen his goal and live long enough to see me finish and then get married, have kids etc. Like you, I broke too and realised that I wanna do all those things for them and that they deserved to see all of that. My granddad hasn't been well for quite a while so, there is a growing fear within me as well.
I guess all we can do is pray that Life doesn't get in the way of this dream too much. And just work on making them as happy as we possibly can, while we can. And prepare ourself for all kinds of possibilities as well.
*hugs*
You're not alone in this. And you are loved by many indeed. By me too! <3
=)
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